


The Secret to Surviving

by flightinflame



Category: Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency (TV 2016)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Bad Decisions, Betrayal, Dark, Dubious Ethics, Falling In Love, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Mind Control, Osmund Priest is His Own Warning, Pararibulitis (Dirk Gently), Past Prostitution, Project Blackwing (Dirk Gently), Surveillance, Todd Brotzman's poor life choices, Torture, Touch-Starved, Transformation, Whipping
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-19
Updated: 2019-08-24
Packaged: 2019-10-31 07:34:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 15,679
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17845139
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flightinflame/pseuds/flightinflame
Summary: Todd Brotzman is desperate for a job after being fired by the Perriman Grand. With his sister's medical bills quickly adding up, the offer of a job from an agency called Blackwing seems like the break he's been waiting for.





	1. A train bound for nowhere

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to Lourdes and Lynds for their support at the start of this. Fic title and chapter titles from The Gambler by Kenny Rogers.

Todd's head ached, and he screwed up his eyes against the early morning light. He knew he'd drunk more than he should the previous night. He had known he was doing the wrong thing, when he'd accepted a drink off the guy, but he'd gone with him because the man paid with a fifty, and had a nice watch. _Had_ being the correct term, because said watch was now in Todd's coat pocket, alongside the man's wallet and his phone, which he'd sell on later that day. The wallet had had three hundred dollars in it, and a tiny part of Todd hated the way he translated that instantly. Ten days medicine, and another few days for the watch and phone. Enough for Amanda to last a little longer, until he could pick up another guy in a different seedy bar, or find a job. Not that there was much chance of that after the Perriman Grand let him go without a reference, having found him with his fingers in the till.

He'd done this to himself, he tried to remember. He felt sick, but this was his own damn fault for getting out of his depth with lies. Amanda needed him, trusted him. She didn't know he'd lost his job. If she found out, he knew she would have immediately offered to forgo the medication, and he'd end up holding her as she screamed through attacks that could kill her. This was better.

His phone beeped, and he smiled when he saw it was her. He opened it to find a picture of a dog being walked.  
"This dog goes past twice a day. His name is Fred," She'd written underneath it.  
"What kind of a name is Fred?" he messaged back.  
"His name. What kind of a name is Todd?" Her reply was almost instant, and that made him smile. If she felt up to texting, that at least proved it wasn't as bad as some days got.  
"Name of the best brother in the world. I'll send you money for meds later."  
"Wish you could come see me."  
"Soon," Todd promised her. He didn't want to admit to her he couldn't afford to see her because he wasn't able to pay for fuel and her drugs. It wasn't fair to hold that against her. She never asked for any of it, and it was his lies that had trapped them there. She replied with an emoji of crossed fingers. He turned his phone off - with the power to his apartment out, he'd have to charge it at the library.

He rolled over in bed, then headed to shower, before shoving what he'd taken into a bag. He picked an old t-shirt and some jeans off the floor, and headed out to walk to the library, stopping on the way to sell the watch and phone. Feeling a bit better, he transferred the money at the ATM, then went to spend another few hours searching the job listings.

The library was quiet this early in the day. In the afternoons there would be kids crowded around, trying to do homework, and older people using the internet, but he'd found that midday tended to mean the library was close to empty. Which gave him a chance to get onto the computer and charge his phone while looking for anyone who might consider hiring a college drop out with no references and a serious medical condition.

So far, the situation hadn't exactly been looking promising, but there were only so many wallets he could steal, and he needed to look after Amanda, so he made himself keep trying.

He'd already stolen his rent money back off his landlord twice, and he knew that Dorian was getting suspicious. Trying to do it a third time could very easily lead to him getting a gun pointed in his face. But he didn't want to end up out on the streets, and he absolutely refused not to give Amanda the money she needed. Even if he couldn't afford food, he had to look after her. 

He'd wasted their money on his own selfishness, because he had never dreamed she might need it. Now he knew she needed it, but he couldn't tell her the truth. Not when she had confided in him that his own 'recovery' was what gave her strength to carry on. He couldn't steal that away, not when he had already taken so much.

He opened up his emails to see if he'd heard back from any jobs. The first few messages were rejections, and he felt another wave of failure settle onto him. He wanted this over and done with, wanted to help his sister and live comfortably, but there was no hope yet. He refreshed the page, half expecting another avalanche of refusals.

There was one new email, its heading instantly catching his eye.  
**Job offer: Todd Brotzman**  
Todd's hand shook slightly as he went to click on it, mentally preparing himself for this to be another scam. Hell, if someone was in the market for a new kidney he'd be willing to sell, but he doubted they were buying.

The email opened, and he read through it twice, barely able to believe what he was seeing.  
**Job Offer: Todd Brotzman  
** Security Posting in Wyoming __  
Compensation: $20,000 per year  
Employment type: Full time

_A secure site in Wyoming is looking for staff to monitor CCTV footage, escort visitors and residents, and carry out basic tasks in the day to day running of the facility._  
\- 15 days PTO  
\- Medical/Dental/Vision/401k  
\- Private room provided  
\- On site staff canteen free of charge 

_Staff will be expected to remain on site, working in blocks of three weeks in every four, with the option to remain during the fourth week. Food and accommodation is provided on base._

_If you are interested, please reply to this email._  
Regards,  
K.A. 

Todd read through it again, staring at it in shock. It was clearly some kind of prison, looking to hire guards. They had emailed him. Accommodation provided would mean he would no longer need to worry about Dorian, and with no rent or food bill he could focus on earning money to help his sister. The pay wasn't great, but with no expenses he'd be able to save up and see Amanda when he had weeks off. For the first time in a long while, he felt a spark of hope settling inside of him.

He typed out a quick reply, hitting send before he could overthink it.  
_Thank you. I am extremely interested in this opportunity, and attach my resume._ He hoped that he would hear back in the next few days from them. He'd got no experience or qualifications, unless you counted being a bellboy, but they had emailed him specifically.

Todd didn't believe in some kind of higher power, but if one did exist, maybe they had seen just how hard Todd had been trying to keep Amanda safe, and had chosen to throw him a scrap, a chance to do something meaningful for once in his life. If he got this job, he could tell Amanda. He could even leave it as a surprise until he got his week off, then hire a car to drive over to see her. He hit refresh again, not expecting to hear anything back yet.

There was a reply.  
_A car will arrive to pick you up tomorrow morning. Pack what you need, we can arrange for the rest to be placed into storage._

Todd grabbed his stuff and hurried home. He didn't know if any of this was real, but he couldn't take the risk of not being ready if it was. He put what he needed most urgently in a suitcase, and then left the rest. He was sure it had to be a trick. But as he lay down to sleep that night, he couldn't stop his heart racing.

The next morning, he woke up and realised with a sinking feeling that his resume didn't even have his address listed. This was all some cruel joke, and he deserved it after the things he had done. He curled up under the blankets. For once he wasn't hungover, but he didn't want to emerge.

That changed when he heard a knock on the door to his apartment. Reluctantly, he stumbled to his feet, still wearing his pyjamas, and opened the door. A man stood there smiling at him.  
"Mister Brotzman I presume?"  
Wordlessly, Todd nodded.  
"You better get dressed then. That your suitcase?"  
"Y...yeah." Todd admitted.  
"I'll take it down to the car. Now, you hurry up then, I don't like ta be kept waiting."

Todd watched the man leave with his bag, then quickly dressed, shoving a toothbrush into his coat pocket. He headed down to the waiting car.

The man's smile widened when he saw him.  
"Well hello there Todd. It's good to meet you."

Todd didn't ask the questions he wanted to about how the email had got to him, not wanting to cast doubt on something that might be good.  
"Hi..." he mumbled, as the man started the engine, looking straight ahead, that smile lingering on his lips.  
"My name's Priest, and it's my pleasure to welcome you to Blackwing."


	2. Knowing when to walk away

"Blackwing?" Todd asked with a frown, looking at the man sitting behind the wheel.   
"It's a branch of the government," the driver answered, and Todd flinched slightly as he heard the doors of the car click shut. "We keep dangerous freaks away from normal people. Front line of defence against the weirdest shit the universe throws at us."

"You mean like aliens?"  
"Oh hell," Priest muttered. "You're gonna be as bad as the boss's boy? No, not aliens, least not yet. Just people who look normal, right until they tear your face off. We got people who can explode, who can catch fire, who can turn invisible. There's one girl who kills anyone she wants, and not even bullets can stop her, and another who can hide as anything."

"Okay..." Todd muttered, trying to subtly reach and unlock the car door. Priest snorted slightly from the driver's seat.  
"Thought you were interested in the job, boy?"  
"I... I am," Todd answered. He was already in the car with no one knowing where he was going. If he was going to get killed, he couldn't exactly back out now, and there was a chance that this was all honest. It sounded ridiculous, but there was something in the way the man spoke that had him considering believing it.

There were still a lot of questions he wanted answers to, but one stood out.  
"Why... Why me?" he asked.  
"Adams selected you," Priest answered, and his hands had tightened their grip on the steering wheel just a little. "We been needing some more people to help with the simple tasks. Monitoring CCTV, taking the freaks for their meals and to tests, cleaning up. There's three other newbies starting in the next few days, but we thought we'd get you first because you were closest. After this I have to go and collect the rest of them."

"Oh, okay." Todd frowned. He wasn't quite sure why he would be the person to choose, but his companion had fallen silent, and he didn't know what he could say to tease any more information from him.

They drove on, and Todd wanted to text Amanda, but he couldn't bring himself to fish his phone from his pocket. Even with Priest being quiet, he felt like he was meant to be paying attention to him, that whatever was happening he was meant to be focused.

He was getting hungry when they pulled over in a gas station, and Priest handed him a twenty.  
"Go get us both some lunch. I got some calls to make."  
With that he walked away, leaving Todd to head into the gas station. He realised he could try and call for help, or let Amanda know where he was. Priest couldn't see him here. But there was no point, because he didn't even know what he was asking for help from. He felt weird, but there was nothing he could do to explain why. As Priest had said, he had asked for this.

He ordered two burgers with fries and soda, and was eating his when Priest joined him.  
"Is everything okay?" Todd asked, more to make conversation than anything.  
"Yeah, just got some stuff to deal with when we've got back. It won't be no trouble," Priest answered, devouring his burger as though he was half starved. There was no more conversation, and they returned to where the car was waiting.

Priest smiled as Todd climbed back into the passenger seat.  
"Talked to Adams earlier. He's selected a few of the freaks... the projects, as we call them, it ain't nice to call them freaks to their faces... well, he's picked out some he wants you to work with especially, alongside the general stuff we ask."  
"Oh?" Todd asked, more to keep the conversation going than anything.

"Moloch is one of the oldest, and he ended up in a coma. When you're monitoring the CCTV, you gotta keep an eye on him, some weird shit happens in his room sometimes. Then there's Incubus - you can go in and talk to them when we get there, see what they think of you. Then there's Icarus - he's dangerous, so keep your distance, but he can predict the future. Change it too I think, because disaster follows him round like flies on a cow. And Lamia's a possibility, but she's ...well, she's a Houdini, so we'd better start with those three. Moloch, Incubus, Icarus."

Todd nodded, suddenly wishing he had some paper or something so that he could make a note of the list of names which were being thrown at him.

"You get some shut eye," Priest ordered, and it wasn't a suggestion. "I'll wake you up when we get there."  
Todd hadn't been feeling particularly tired, but given the choice between arguing about it or going to sleep he decided sleeping was the way to go.

***

"Hey, Brotzman," Priest prodded him hard in the side, and Todd yelped, flinching away from the touch. "We got here."  
"Where's... here?" Todd asked blurrily as he blinked out at a flat landscape, marked out only by the distant shape of hills.  
"It's your new home," Priest told him. Before he could argue they seemed to drive down into the very ground itself as a ramp opened up, closing above him as they fell down into the earth, emerging in a large parking garage.  
"You remember who you're working with?" Priest asked, in a tone that made it clear Todd better know.  
"Icarus, Moloch, Incubus?" 

"There you go. Now, that ain't too bad. We gotta take you to your room, and then you can go and feed Incubus, then we'll see about teaching you how the cameras work."  
Todd nodded, following Priest into the base. It was clear that weird though this seemed, it could never be the work of a single madman - it was too large, too complicated and too strange for that. He grabbed his case from the trunk, and followed Priest down neatly ordered halls, many of which had strange symbols on the door. He paused outside one and nodded.  
"This is your room. Put your case in, get changed. We need to see how you get on with Incubus and then you can see where the camera room is." He pushed the door open, revealing a small but neat room. There was a desk with a computer, some folders to one side, and a room with a shower, toilet and sink. There was a large bed in the middle of the room, and a wardrobe - the doors of which were open to display a uniform like the one that Priest was wearing. 

Todd stepped inside, placing his case beside the bed. The door was closed behind him, and for a second Todd felt panic before he pushed those thoughts aside. There was no need to panic now. He had got to the job, and it seemed like the offer had been genuine. He pulled on the uniform, finding it fit perfectly, and then knocked on the door.

It opened, and Priest nodded for Todd to follow him.  
"Just so you know, Incubus... they ain't always the best with authority, you get me?"  
Todd nodded, trailing Priest down the corridors, stopping outside a room with a different symbol outside, one that looked like a circle with branches. He wondered what all the symbols around him met, what the person inside would be like.

"Snack time boys," Priest called out, and before Todd could question it the door swung open, and he stumbled forwards. He saw vague shadows in the darkness, and heard someone laugh.

He felt a blue light get ripped from him, and gasped desperately, trying to breathe. The room was spinning and he fell to his knees, gagging, but the blue light didn't stop.

The door slammed open and the air got thick with smoke before hands grabbed him, hauling him away from the room. Priest was crouched beside him once the door was closed.  
"You okay?" he asked, glancing up towards a security camera. Reluctantly, Todd nodded.  
"What was that?"  
"They're parasites. They feed on energy, but we've been giving them alternative sources. That shouldn't have happened." Priest said it with such certainty that despite his concern, Todd nodded. 

Priest helped him to his feet. He felt exhausted, and the room kept jolting rather worryingly to one side.  
"It's okay. Not far now to the CCTV room. Don't ever... never go in their room alone, do you hear me? They'd kill you given half the chance."  
Reluctantly, Todd nodded again, wondering why Priest had pushed him inside. 

The room full of security footage had a chair in, which Priest guided him towards, and a glass of water was pressed into his hand. He took a few sips before focusing on the screen in front of him. There were rows of surveillance feeds, pictures of corridors, something familiar from his time at the Perriman, but along with those familiar shots were glimpses of something else. There were screens labelled with the same symbols he'd passed in the corridors, and on each of these screens was a different room.

In one room an elderly man lay in a coma. On the next screen a young woman sat in a glass box. On the one with that branched circle, four figures huddled in a corner. In another a child played with a doll, and later on a young man paced the room, while his neighbour lay back on her bed and threw the pen she had found from hand to hand.

At first glance, nothing seemed strange about the inhabitants of the rooms. But the longer he stared, the more that Todd began to notice. One young man was running laps of his room, floating continuously two inches above the ground. One older woman was literally on fire, flame dancing across her hands, and one elderly woman appeared to be moving things around without touching them.

"It takes some getting used to, all the freaks," Priest said, and Todd jumped a little at the sound of his voice, having almost forgotten he was there. "Don't you worry. Mostly what we need you to do is make sure no one gets out of there. That one - " he pointed to the glass box. "Is Lamia, and she tends to be slippery. And that there, that's Moloch. You see anything weird, you note it down okay?"

Todd nodded between sips of water. He still didn't feel good. He found himself looking at the men in the room he had been sent in to. They seemed almost hyperactive, despite his own exhaustion. He was struck again by the fact absolutely nothing was making any sense.

"I gotta go deal with something," Priest told him. "You sit there, and if anything weird happens, you push that button-" He pointed, and then walked away. 

Todd could tell that things here were weird. He pulled his phone from his pocket, flinching when he saw there was no signal this far under the ground.  
He shoved it back into his pocket, reminding himself that he had a job now, and he needed to make a good attempt at actually keeping it. He was meant to be looking for anything weird. There was a computer left open with space to log anything unusual, alongside a button to track strange events and another to signal an emergency, with guidelines for use set out. He lingered for a moment over a page explaining what was an emergency for different projects - for some, catching on fire was not considered out of the ordinary, and there was one man currently sedated who apparently casually caused himself to explode.

The shadows on Moloch's wall seemed to be doing some kind of a dance, two figures waltzing as a larger shadow watched on. Todd pressed the button to say something odd had happened, jotting down the time and room, and then carrying on. He found himself trying to scan through the camera feeds, wanting to jot down enough that it looked like he was really making an effort. Most of the prisoners were just sat in their rooms, and there was nothing particularly interesting taking place.

He watched as one of the prisoners, the diamond-with-a-circle guy, walked down a corridor followed by armed guards. It was strange, the way the camera view swapped - rather than it being a fixed camera, or even alternating ones, the feed seemed to bounce to whichever camera was closest to the man as he walked past. That wasn't any kind of strange ability - he suspected that the cameras were using facial recognition or something to track him and put the feed on the right screen - but it was much better technology than they'd had at the Perriman and he couldn't help feeling curious.

There was a knock on his door, and he jumped slightly, before a mousy looking man with curly hair stuck his head around the door.  
"Hey... I'm Michael, there's food now and -" he gestured at a figure behind him, wearing the same uniform as they were. "She's here to take over viewing the feeds."

Todd got to his feet gratefully, nodding to the woman and then following Michael down a maze of corridors. Michael smiled at him warmly.  
"I'm actually more on the research side of things, but since you were here I thought that I could say hello, new staff are always an event. How are you finding it so far?"

"It's... weird," Todd answered. "Plus Priest pushed me in with a bunch of parasites."  
"Oh, yeah, he always does that," Michael agreed, before looking at him curiously. "How was it? I passed out when he tried it with me?"  
"Felt really sick, nearly passed out," Todd answered. "He… does that a lot?"  
"He's… He's very good at what he does," Michael said diplomatically. "But he can take some getting used to." He showed Todd into the canteen. "You can sit with me if you'd like."

Todd nodded, getting some food and eating quickly. The food here was good, much better than he had been eating before and knowing it was provided as part of the job made it taste better. He didn't need to feel guilty that he was eating money that could be used for Amanda's medicine. Michael seemed busy with his own food, but afterwards pulled out a phone, scrolling through it.  
"You're going to escort Icarus to testing tomorrow-"  
"That wasn't the guys that ate me?"  
"No, they're Incubus. Icarus is psychic and has some degree of telepathy and psychometry."  
"That stuff doesn't-"  
"More things on heaven and earth Horatio," Michael answered with a faint smirk. "I used to think that. But these people... they're remarkable. They go so far beyond what science can allow..." He sighed to himself. "Anyway, tomorrow you need to escort Icarus to testing, and then you will be back on the cameras until you need to collect him."

Todd nodded. He could do that. He would literally just need to watch some television screens.  
"Uh… I can't get my phone to work down here."  
"We're under sixty feet of solid rock," Michael answered, holding out his hand. "I'll connect you to the WiFi."  
Todd handed it over with a shrug. As Michael fiddled around with his phone, he looked around the mostly empty canteen. There were several people that he could see were armed, who were sat together deep in conversation, and a few other groups around the edge.   
"You're a scientist?"  
"I help with the science, but really I work more as the boss's PA," Michael explained with a roll of his eyes. "He's not... he can be difficult to work for."  
"The boss?"  
"Supervisor Friedkin. But Supervisor Adams helps with a lot of stuff. I think he's more in charge, he just likes having Friedkin around as the fall guy."

Todd couldn't help smiling at that, glad that he wasn't feeling quite as alone as he had earlier that day.  
"So these people... Priest said they're freaks, and what I saw-"  
"They have abilities so far beyond our normal understanding that we can't begin to comprehend what is happening," Michael answered. "So different from normal people... like us and a gerbil..."

Todd nodded, thinking over the screens earlier.  
"Some of them look pretty young-"  
"We collect them when they need to come in. Some people with abilities are comfortable within a normal existence for decades, and others… aren't. We try and provide a home for those who need it. We keep dangerous people off of the streets, and vulnerable people away from dangers."

Todd nodded slowly, trying to believe in Michael's confidence. "So what's Icarus like?"  
"He's pretty grouchy. Most of our attempts to help him gain control of his powers have failed, and it's left him... he can be quite bitter." Michael shrugged, finishing his dinner. "You need me to help you back to your room?"  
"Maybe?" Todd nodded, and followed him down the corridor. "Thanks for fixing my phone."  
"No bother. Just... we try and keep what's going on here out of the public eye, you understand. People think they understand what we're about."

Todd nodded, and headed back to his room. Staring at the screens had left him tired, and he could still barely believe what happened, plus the after effects of those parasites exhausted him. He checked the memo on his desk to see he would be escorting someone at 8 am, and set an alarm for 7:30.

***

Todd tumbled out of bed at 7:50, rushing to the bathroom and scrambling into his clothes, before heading out into the corridors. He knew that Icarus was circle-in-a-diamond, he just didn't know where that symbol was and apparently whoever had designed it hadn't been a believer in signage. His own door had an oval with a triangle in it, but that wasn't actually a useful piece of information to get to Icarus's room, and he was probably going to be late, and maybe even lose his job for messing up already.

He half-hoped he'd run into Michael, or even Priest, but there was no one. It was 8:05 before he saw the familiar symbol, more by luck than anything else. He didn't know how he'd got there, or how to get from here to the labs, but he was pretty good at bluffing so he had to hope it would work out.

He pushed open the door to find a man dressed in grey and orange standing there, the one who had drawn his attention on the cameras the previous day. He had his arms crossed.  
"You're late."  
"I..." Todd stared at him in shock.  
"Oh," the man seemed to relax, walking forwards and holding out his hand. "I suppose they've told you that my name is Icarus. It isn't, but that's better than whatever else they'd call me, so we can work with that. You're new, aren't you?"

Somewhat dumbstruck, Todd nodded.  
"Excellent, well, I do hope you'll provide better conversation than some of the other guards here. Although you aren't exactly talkative, are you? Still, needs must, and it is rather good to see a new face."  
"You're English?" Todd murmured, and the man laughed slightly.  
"Yes, well, close enough. I suppose you've heard all about how I _chose_ to be here, and how it's for my own good, and those things, and really I don't want to go into that now but-"  
"You're stalling," Todd said with sudden certainty, seeing the concern behind Icarus's smile. Icarus laughed a little nervously, but Todd raised an eyebrow.  
"We're meant to go to room 8.7."  
"It's this way," Icarus answered, walking along the corridors. "So, do you have a name? I mean, mostly people use second names or titles, but if we're going to be friends-"  
"Brotzman," Todd answered. "I'm not here to be your friend." He felt harsh saying it, especially when Icarus seemed to flinch, but he couldn't be his friend. He was here to do a job.  
"Oh," Icarus muttered. "It's just here."

He pointed, and Todd pushed open the door to find that Priest was there. He waved a hand in greeting, then pointed to a chair set up in front of what looked like a pinball machine, which had a metal dome above it and restraints on the arms of the chairs.  
"Goodbye then," Icarus muttered sulkily, going to sit down in the chair.  
"You were late," Priest greeted, adjusting the dial. "Thank you for bringing him Brotzman. Surveillance room is third door on the left."

"Thanks." Todd raced out of there, heading to the room and letting himself in. The man who was there smiled, moving out of the seat so he could take over.

His gaze was immediately drawn to Icarus. He was staring ahead intensely, and regularly his mouth would move, before he would convulse in pain. The other guard was leaving, but Todd tried to stop him.  
"What's going on?"  
"Tests," the guard answered. "You get used to it. Just keep rooms with testing muted." With that, the guard walked away, and Todd cringed, trying to breathe deeply and steady himself. He didn't know these people. He knew Amanda, knew she needed the money he could earn. He knew that Dorian would kill him, or he'd end up dying after someone didn't want their wallet stolen. This life was better. He couldn't cause chaos. He just couldn't, not when everything was finally working out.

He couldn't keep watching Icarus being shocked, not with the knowledge that he'd done it to him by bringing him there. His eyes ran along the rows of symbols for the different projects. A few of the screens showed empty rooms, alongside others which were full of chaos. Incubus had ended up in a pile together, lying on their floor because their room didn't have a bed. Icarus was still being tested, and Todd couldn't watch that, not after the way Icarus had looked at him, as though he was a traitor.

He stared at the empty rooms, and felt his blood run cold as he realised one of the symbols was the oval with a triangle inside. He pushed the thought away, returning to watching the other experiments.


	3. The way they held their eyes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Warning for implied child abuse and spooky child)

Todd felt sick every time he glanced towards Icarus, who looked ill and was crying with pain. He wanted to ask it to stop, but he was sure Priest wouldn't listen. In despair he grabbed a book, positioning it so it blocked the screen from his sight - he'd have to remove it before anyone else came back, but the relief he felt the moment Icarus was out of view was almost intoxicating.

There were a few other tests being run on some of the other subjects, but he didn't want to look too closely. With the sound off, he didn't need to worry about what was happening. He tried to focus on the rooms that the staff weren't in - there was Moloch, who was in a coma. The lady in the glass box had been replaced by a lamp, and he rewound her camera, a little startled to see her shift from a human to a lamp in one moment. He couldn't really see the point of a shapeshifter who turned into a lamp, and found himself wondering if it was a particularly shitty form of werewolf - maybe she cut herself on some cursed glass or something. He snorted, moving on to look at the rest of the subjects.

There were forty two sets in total, not counting empty rooms. There were a few that were multiple people in the same room - Incubus, who he had met, had four members, one of whom was a young teenager, and there were a few other symbols marking pairs or in one case a triplet. Most of the subjects though were alone, and about an even split between men and women.

His eye kept getting drawn to what seemed to be the youngest subject. It was a child, a girl he thought, who was about six years old, and was sitting cross legged on her bed, holding a doll and talking to it. He considered turning on the noise to see what she was talking about, but that felt almost like an invasion of privacy so he didn't do it. She was wearing a black jumpsuit with a red band across it, and her symbol was a hexagon with a line through it. Her dark hair had been cropped short, and stuck up slightly, and she looked very small indeed in her room, all alone aside from the doll she was playing with. She swayed from side to side slightly, and he was reminded of Amanda playing as a child. He missed his sister, grabbing his phone and sending her a quick message.  
_Hey you. New job, so might be slow to contact you, but pay's good and I can see you soon._

He didn't have long to wait before she replied.  
_Didn't know you wanted a new job. Well done! Can't wait to see you :) <3 :) <3 :)_  
_You said it yourself, I'm too old to be a bell boy. See you._

He put his phone away, carrying on observing the screens. It was easier now he couldn't catch glimpses of Icarus, but he did keep looking at the little girl. She looked so small in there, and she reminded him so much of Amanda as a child that at times he thought he could see Amanda there. He took a gulp from his water bottle, and tried to focus, because hallucinating his sister wasn't going to help. He had to focus.

Aside from the fact there was a small child in one of the cells, there was a never ending list of strangeness to keep him occupied as he watched the cameras. Three hours ticked past as he worked on keeping detailed notes, getting more of a feel for what was standard for everyone. 

He heard footsteps in the corridor outside, and the door beginning to open, and put the book back down so that the fact he was obscuring the screen wouldn't be noticed. Icarus was slumped in the chair, his eyes closed, and he seemed to be panting for air. There was no one else in the room. He tried not to look at that image, smiling gratefully at the guard who had come to take his place. He hurried along to the canteen, remembering the path from yesterday, and looked around for Michael, but he wasn't anywhere to be seen.

He grabbed a sandwich and sat down on his own, sipping his water as he looked out across the canteen. It reminded him of high school in a way, and that was a period of his life he was trying to put behind him. He had just about finished his lunch when Priest walked past, patting him on the shoulder.  
"How you finding it here Brotzy?"  
"Brotzman," Todd corrected under his breath. "It's… a lot. They're-"  
"Freaks," Priest interrupted, and Todd nodded because he didn't want to start an argument, and anyway he could hardly claim that they weren't freaks, not after what he had seen. Priest walked away, and Todd let out a sigh of relief he hadn't realised he had been holding in.

He checked, and was relieved to see he was meant to be doing some cleaning that afternoon. That seemed to be his schedule. Morning and some evenings he was escorting some of the projects to testing, then he worked surveillance until lunch, then cleaned project rooms until dinner. The guide he had been given included project names, but he couldn't find any symbols, which honestly was not very helpful if he was meant to be getting the right people. He frowned at the paper as though it was going to fix itself if he was annoyed enough.

"Hi Todd." Michael slipped into the seat beside him, making him jump. "What's wrong?"  
For a moment Todd thought about mentioning the little girl, but thought better of it. Michael had said the projects were here because they needed to be.  
"Uh..." He showed him the schedule. "I don't know which symbols are which project..."  
Michael shook his head in despair, and pulled a pen from his pocket, sketching out the symbols for each of them beneath the names.

"Thanks," Todd said when he was finished. "That was... really helpful."  
"It's no bother," Michael answered. "You get used to it after a while. Now… do you know where those rooms are? You're cleaning Echidna, Dagon's and Mot's rooms today - they shouldn't be any bother, they're standard rooms. Be _very_ careful when you clean Lamia's, Abaddon's room is always in a terrible state, Wraith and Bel's too, and... if you see anything in Marzanna's that looks like blood, there's a reason for that."  
"Oh." Todd nodded, really unsure what he was meant to say to that.  
"Your keycard will let you into any room, but you should check on the camera first that they're empty."

Todd nodded. After the incident with Incubus he was determined not to have a repeat. "I don't suppose you could show me where they are?"  
"Oh, sure," Michael paused, poking at his phone. A moment later Todd's phone beeped. "I just sent you a map."

Todd nodded, vaguely aware that he had never given Michael his number. He looked at the map, and nodded.  
"Thanks."  
"No worries. It should be linked to the camera feed, so if you poke on the logo you can check if it's occupied. I'm going to be out this evening, but we can grab lunch tomorrow if you'd like?" Michael asked, and Todd nodded out of politeness, before hurrying off to start the cleaning.  
He'd done a lot of cleaning when he'd worked at the Perriman, and was rather proud of how quickly he could make a bed. So cleaning rooms while the projects were undergoing testing wouldn't be a problem.

Considering the kinds of things he had often been expected to handle at the Perriman, tidying those rooms was no problem at all. He disinfected, changed the sheets, and left them looking pristine, careful to not linger, but also not to race through as fast as he could. This was an easier task than the cameras, and he wanted to enjoy the comparative relaxation. 

It was only when he was working on the third room that he registered what was odd. In a way, this had felt exactly like cleaning the rooms in a hotel - but that didn't make sense. Because these were people's bedrooms, where they lived and from what he had seen - where they spent most of their time. These were places that should feel lived in, but they didn't. 

The average hotel room after it had been abandoned showed more signs of life - newspapers left half read, the trash can full of empty beer bottles, a pen that had rolled under the desk - these had nothing, and it left him feeling a little disturbed in a way he couldn't quite articulate. He told himself that they'd probably been told to clean up prior to their rooms being properly sorted out.

He checked his watch, and was surprised to find he had almost an hour before his next task. They'd allocated him so long to clean that even moving slowly, he'd got it done. He stepped out into the corridor, going to put away the cleaning supplies and chuck the linens down the chute. He put away the sprays, and disposed of the used sheets and things. He grabbed out his phone to look at the map, trying to work out how to get back to the lab he was meant to be collecting Icarus from, when he realised he was only a few doors down from the room with the little girl.

He hesitated. 

He knew he couldn't get involved, that these people were dangerous. But there was a little girl in that room, who had looked really lonely, and he could just check on her quickly, make sure she was healthy. He frowned slightly as he walked to the door, sure that the locking system should be more complicated than it was. He knocked, and then used his keycard to open the door.

The little girl looked up at him and smiled.  
"Hey," Todd greeted her, stepping in, careful not to get too close. "My name's Todd."  
"Hello." The girl blinked at him, and he was startled by the vivid green of her eyes. She looked almost like a doll. "Do you want to be my friend?"  
Todd hesitated, but she was still looking at him, and he nodded slowly, taking a step forwards.

"We could have a tea party?" she asked hopefully, holding up her own doll towards him. "Josephine likes tea parties."  
Todd nodded, sitting down and smiling at her.  
"What's your name?" he asked as she climbed down off the bed and sat down opposite him.  
"I don't like the name they use," she told him, her voice lisping slightly. "Thank you for coming to play with me."

"That's okay," Todd nodded, and she reached out to squeeze his hand. He smiled, squeezing her hand in return, thinking that a tea party sounded like a good idea. It wasn't good for her to be on her own.  
"Todd's a pretty name," she told him, blinking slowly up at him. "I'm glad you're my friend Todd. My only other friend is Josephine, and she's nice but I get lonely. You won't ever leave, will you Todd?"  
"Of course not," Todd promised her, ruffling her hair fondly. "We're friends, remember?"

The girl nodded, smiling to herself and rocking a little from side to side.  
"It's good to have a friend." She paused then, putting her hand up to her mouth and biting her lip nervously. "You won't be angry will you?"  
"No?"  
"Do you want to see Josephine dance? I'm not meant to if there's not an adult, but... but you're an adult Todd, aren't you?"  
Todd nodded, and the little girl stood up and spun around in a circle, holding the doll to her chest. She put it down on the floor, a look of concentration on her face, and rather than falling under its own weight the doll stayed balanced on its feet.

The girl spun again, and now the doll was copying her, swaying from side to side. Todd clapped, and she leaned over the doll, moving her hands and making its limbs sway and twist.  
Todd grinned at her, and she picked the doll up and cuddled it to her chest.  
"Good work Josephine!" she murmured, trying to be quiet. Todd smiled at her. This was nice. They could have a tea party, and then maybe they could dance, and that would be good.

The girl giggled and sat back down, bouncing a little where she was.  
"I don't mind being here. It's better than before but I get lonely. I don't need to be lonely anymore though, do I?"  
"Not at all," Todd promised her. "We're having a tea party."  
She nodded quickly, leaning over to hug him tightly. He returned the embrace, feeling her stiffening slightly under his arms, and then pull away. Her face had gone pale, and her eyes were wide.

A hand grabbed Todd's shoulder, and he found himself being dragged away. A door slammed and he stood out in the corridor, panting for breath, his head swimming, as Priest loomed over him.  
"You fucking idiot. You tryin'a get yourself killed?"  
"What?"  
"Red means danger. Golem's way too risky for you to be on your own with."  
"But we were just-" Todd started, and then frowned, trying to remember what had been happening. It had felt important, before. He couldn't remember now.  
"Go collect Icarus, you're running late," Priest snapped at him. "Next time I'll leave you there." With that, he went back into the cell. A few seconds later an awful scream ripped through the air, and Todd tried to repress the feeling of nausea which bubbled inside of him. He needed fresh air. He scurried away from Golem's room.

Using the map he found the lab Icarus had been taken to. He pushed open the door to find Icarus slumped forwards in his chair.


	4. Knowing what to keep

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay here - got caught up in working on the beginner and big bang. Posting the beginner bang this weekend, but updates here should be happening a lot more frequently in future as I'm alternating working on this fic with working on the big bang. Thanks for your patience!

Todd hesitated in the doorway. Only for a moment, but still a moment too long, as he tried to work out whether the figure slumped in that room was breathing. Golem's screams still echoed in his mind. He couldn't quite remember what had happened in her room - it had felt peaceful. He would check on the cameras. But she reminded him of Amanda; and now Icarus, so full of life and chatty this morning, was lying like a discarded doll.

He tried to steady himself, reminding himself that he needed the money, needed the job. Then Icarus coughed, a pathetic broken noise which would stick in his mind for the rest of his life, and he ran in towards him, helping him to sit up. He held a tissue to his mouth as Icarus coughed, and was startled when he saw a few specks of blood.  
"Are you alright?" he asked, and Icarus looked up at him.  
"Brotzman?" he croaked, and his voice sounded hoarse. "Good to see you again."  
"Todd," Todd corrected, feeling guilty for how abrupt he'd been earlier in the day. He'd taken Icarus here and left him to be tortured. 

The smile on Icarus's face looked almost peaceful, as his lips moved for a few moments before speaking.  
"Todd. That's… that's a good name." He whimpered slightly.  
"What hurts?" Todd asked, crouching down to undo the restraints that held Icarus in place. Once he was freed Icarus slumped forwards more, in a way that reminded Todd of someone who had drunk too much earlier in the evening.

"Everything?" Icarus answered, followed by a soft laugh. "Nothing that... nothing won't fix, given time." He stretched a little, and made himself smile. "It's quite alright Todd." He reassured him, the words undermined by him biting his lip to stay quiet. "Nothing broken."

"They shocked you?" Todd asked, even though he knew in his heart that he couldn't afford to do this. He couldn't afford to care. Caring would lead to further trouble, would lead to him possibly losing this job when he'd already promised Amanda he would see her soon.

"Not too badly," Icarus answered, and then tried to stand, stumbling forwards with a whimper. "I'm afraid I might need your assistance?"  
"I can do that," Todd agreed, supporting him to his feet. "It's not too far to your room from here, is it?"  
"No," Icarus agreed, gasping slightly as Todd got his shoulder under the taller man's arm to help support his weight. "I can direct you if you'd like."

Todd nodded. He didn't want to talk to him, but it seemed Icarus wasn't keen on staying silent.  
"This is... really rather kind of you Todd. I'm afraid I rather misjudged you previously," Icarus mumbled. "No, along there - yes, well done." He smiled slightly, and then kept talking, and Todd really wished he would be quiet. "I mean, I thought you were rather… abrupt, and quite unpleasant, but you're neither of those things."

Todd didn't have the strength to point out that he was those things, and far worse beside - Icarus had other things to worry about than his own panicked emotions, and if he was providing comfort to a young man who clearly wasn't getting much of it, it would be wrong to take it away. He was still relieved when he reached a familiar diamond pattern. "It's here," Icarus explained, and Todd nodded his agreement, opening the door with his swipe card and helping Icarus in. 

The room was as empty as it had been this morning, dominated by a small bed. There was a single folded jumpsuit to one side. Icarus seemed to tighten his grip on Todd slightly, and Todd wanted to pull away, but he couldn't just drop him to the ground. He helped him over to the bed.  
"You need a rest," he told him, and Icarus shrugged a little.  
"What's the point?"  
"You'll have more testing in the morning," Todd explained, trying not to think about Amanda when she had been younger and insisting that she didn't need sleep. It wasn't a helpful thing to think of now. Icarus hesitated, and then for a moment he smiled brightly.  
"Does that mean you are taking me to testing in the morning?"

"I am," Todd answered, putting Icarus down and managing to disentangle himself from his grip, ignoring the way Icarus flinched at the loss of contact. "I'll see you tomorrow. Goodnight Icarus."

"Goodnight Todd!" Icarus called out, and though he said more Todd didn't hear because he was already walking away, trying to put what distance he could between the two of them, because he couldn't face whatever Icarus was saying. He wondered if he could ask to transfer, but he worried what any of the others would be like. 

Icarus felt like a human. The people at the hotel, the clients and his coworkers, had never felt particularly like people to Todd. They'd just been figures who moved around and made life harder for him, who meant he had to put in effort, and who he had taken advantage of. He hadn’t been particularly concerned with their day to day existence, not the way he felt about Icarus.

But he couldn't let Icarus be a person to him. He couldn't care, that much was already clear. 

He hesitated, then made his way to the canteen, hoping he would run into Michael there. Michael at least might be able to explain what had happened with Golem, and answer some of Todd's questions about Icarus.

Michael was nowhere to be seen, but Todd grabbed some dinner, settling down and pulling out his phone to send a few messages to Amanda. She'd sent him quite a few during the day - she'd been bored, as always, stuck in the house. He wondered if maybe he'd be able to pay for better treatment for her. Regardless, when he visited he hoped they might be able to go outside, perhaps to a cafe or something. Amanda had loved getting coffee once, before she'd got sick.

Her replies came back quickly, the way they always did. 

He hated to think of her sitting at home, waiting for his messages. But at least now he might be able to visit her, and if Icarus had to pay the cost of that then so be it, because she mattered so much more than Icarus ever could.

He jumped slightly when Michael sat down beside him.  
"Hey Todd." He nodded towards the phone. "You have a girlfriend?"  
"Sister," Todd answered. "Haven’t had a girlfriend for a bit. Stuff got messy."  
"How is she?"  
"Good," Todd answered. "Her illness isn't being too bad right now."

Michael did a thing with his face Todd had seen dozens of times before, the expression of someone who just found out someone else was ill, and didn't know how to respond. Eventually he nodded, and cleared his throat.  
"How was your day?"  
"Okay," Todd admitted. "I... uh. What can you tell me about Golem?"  
"She's a puppet master," Michael answered, already calling up the information on his phone, sliding across so Todd could see. He was startled to see himself sitting there, nodding along and clapping. "She can make dolls move, but it goes beyond that. She gets people to do what they want. She was hard to bring in."

"She..." Todd swallowed, watching himself, knowing he'd had no control over what had happened. "She seemed lonely."  
"We keep her isolated for safety," Michael explained. "You aren't the first member of staff she's exercised control over, and all it would take from here was one moment of anger and she could kill them."

"She looks so young," Todd muttered, and for a moment Michael looked almost sad, before he nodded.  
"She is. But she's still dangerous."  
"What about Icarus?" Todd asked.  
"Psychic, telepathy and psychometry," Michael repeated, and flicked through to a few files, scanning through them. "He's not actively dangerous, but strange things happen around him and sometimes that means people get killed."

Todd nodded, trying to focus on that. Just because Icarus seemed nice, seemed like a person, it didn't mean he wasn't dangerous. Michael looked at him pityingly.  
"You're finding it hard, aren't you?"  
"A little," Todd conceded.  
"If it helps, what we learn from them is going to help a lot more people. It's sad, but... the end results will lead to things being better, I promise."

Todd nodded, envying Michael's certainty. He tried to believe that.  
"Tomorrow I've got to take Icarus to testing again."  
"I can do that if you want?" Michael offered. Todd hesitated. It would be so easy to just say yes, to avoid the thoughts and fears that seeing Icarus caused. But he owed Icarus more than that.  
"I've got it. Thanks though."  
"Let me know if he causes you any trouble," Michael said, and Todd nodded, because he had no idea how else to respond to that. He fidgeted with his phone, messaging Amanda and trying to persuade her that going for coffee would be feasible, Michael's offer weighing on his mind. If it got too much, Michael was willing to help, and that meant a lot to him.  
It meant that he wasn't alone, that support was available if he needed it, and he was grateful, but at the same time he knew that Icarus didn't have it. Taking Michael's offer would hurt someone who seemed desperately lonely, and he couldn't do it.

He listened as Michael explained some of the work he had been doing. It appeared he was involved in testing some kind of shape shifter at the moment. Todd tried to focus on what was being said, but he couldn't, because he kept thinking about Icarus. It was just typical that after a lifetime of not caring about anyone else, he suddenly found himself worrying about someone he wasn't supposed to.

Eventually he excused himself and headed back to his room, calling up on his phone the map of the facility. He tried to read a few of the other subject files - a lot of what he had access to was redacted, but not all of it, and he had to hope he could learn something. 

He looked up Golem, and saw a live link to her room. She looked subdued, a sling holding one arm against her chest. She was still holding the doll - _Josephine_ \- and was sniffling slightly. Todd wished he could do something to reassure her, but he knew he couldn't. He minimised that video and began to read around, pretending he didn't want to find the information about Icarus. Partially that was in case his usage was being tracked, but mostly it was because he didn't want to admit to himself that he needed to know more about the other man. It didn't feel right, reading a file which set out all of Icarus's secrets.

After a little while though, he ended up looking at the information. If he was going to work with him, it was better he knew. He skimmed the information, feeling a little sick when he saw images from when Icarus had come to Blackwing. He'd been younger than Golem, dressed neatly and carrying a teddy bear, and the following details contained all kinds of information he didn't want to know. The fact that Icarus had apparently predicted 9/11 jumped out. He could see now what Michael meant about his abilities. It seemed like it would be a lonely existence.

He couldn't keep reading it. There was too much there that left him feeling lost. So he closed his eyes and tried to sleep. In his dreams he saw Amanda on one of the security cameras, looking up, and then screaming as she went through the kinds of tests that Icarus endured. He could hear her screaming, pleading with them that she wasn't psychic, but Priest just laughed and turned up the strength of the shocks.

Todd woke up panting, shivering a little at the thought of his sister ending up here. He tried to tell himself she wasn't a freak, that she was safe, but the thought lingered and stopped further rest. He thought he could go for a walk, that doing so might clear his head.

He realised his error when he stepped outside of his room and began to walk towards the subjects. He could hear an almost ghostly sobbing, which echoed down the corridor. He hurried past the first door, and now he could hear shouts, or screams, or whimpers. He hurried onwards, and realising there was no obvious way back he turned around. He couldn't face listening to all the fear and pain once more. 

There was no one around, so with a deep breath he raced along the corridor, arriving at the other end and scurrying back inside his room, where it was safe. He tried not to think about what would happen outside. These people were here for a reason, to keep the world safe, and he had to focus on that. Like Michael had said, the end results justified this even if it looked cruel.

He tried laying back down on his bed, wondering if Icarus was always going to stop him from sleeping. If so he might have to change his mind about taking that shift. This time, he set his alarm for 7:30. He couldn't help worrying that his lateness had added to Icarus's pain yesterday. He refused to make the same mistake again. He might not have been happy about what he had seen, about Icarus lying broken in the chair, but he wasn't going to stop it. He needed the work too much. Still, he'd do what he could to help him.

He hurried down the corridor, glad that at least during the day time it no longer felt as sinister. There were no sounds, other than the echoing of distant feet, and it was easy to pretend that last night had just been a nightmare. 

He moved to unlock the door, and walked inside to find Icarus standing up smartly. Seeing Todd he relaxed a little.  
"Hi Todd!" he greeted him, a beaming smile on his face as though he was unaware entirely of where they were and what was going on.  
"Hey Icarus. How did you sleep?"  
"Well, thank you," Icarus answered, staring at him. "You know, I don't believe anyone has asked me that before. If it was up to me you would get a promotion for excellent work. It isn't up to me in the least, but I thought you'd like to know."  
Todd nodded, hiding a smile. Michael and Icarus were the only two people here he enjoyed talking to, and Michael was mostly useful because he knew key information. Icarus was just... enthusiastic. Exuberant, and that wasn't a word that Todd normally felt like applying to anything. 

"Thank you for your help last night," Icarus said quickly. "Some of them would just let me crawl." He laughed, but Todd wasn't sure he was joking.  
"You have to go to testing-" he reminded him, as gently as he could. Icarus nodded, brushing past him, and Todd saw the way his eyes closed as he did it. Before he thought, he reached out and wrapped an arm around Icarus's shoulders, and Icarus leaned against him. The entire action lasted only a couple of seconds, before he pulled away, looking at Icarus as coldly as he could manage. Given the normal levels of _fuck off and die_ he could include in a glare, he felt he wasn't being very effective, but it was the best he could manage.  
"We can't." Todd tried to sound firm. "I'm a guard, there are boundaries."  
"You... you hugged me," Icarus murmured, wrapping his arms around himself. He looked utterly broken, as though Todd had hurt him worse than he'd been injured previously. Todd flinched, knowing Icarus was right, that it hadn't been his fault.  
"I know," Todd answered, because there was nothing else he could put into words. He knew he'd hugged him, knew he cared about him more than anyone other than Amanda, knew that wasn't enough to help him. "You've got testing. Come on."

Icarus led the way, but paused as they approached the door.  
"I… I said yesterday I preferred Icarus to what else they'd call me. But… I would rather be called Dirk, when they aren't... when they aren't around."  
Todd glanced at a camera on a nearby wall, and Icarus - no, Dirk - shrugged a little.  
"Let me dream." He walked forwards and knocked on the door, and another guard welcomed him inside. 

Todd twisted to see, noticing Michael was in there. A moment later he heard an excited call from Dirk as the door swung closed.  
"Lamia!"  
Intrigued, Todd headed over to check on the cameras, hopeful that he wouldn't be faced with anything too distressing.

Relieving the previous watcher, he found that Dirk was shown on two different screens. He was sat on the ground in a room, watched by Michael and two heavily armed guards, and in his arms was a tiny black kitten. Todd couldn't imagine what the purpose of this test was, and tried not to consider the possibility the kitten would be killed, and its intestines examined, the way he'd seen some ancient group tell fortunes.

He tried to shake that particular image from his head.

The door opened, and a tall man frowned down at him.  
"Hello?" Todd asked. The man wasn't wearing a uniform, but he wasn't in a jumpsuit either.  
"You aren't Ken?" the man asked, and before Todd could respond he continued. "Why aren't you Ken?"  
"I..." Todd hesitated. "I'm Todd?" He couldn't work out what other answer he could possibly give, but the man seemed pleased with that.

"How are all the-" he waved his hand at the screen.  
"They're... I guess they're normal for them?" Todd answered, flinching slightly as he saw a minor explosion on one screen. He'd never get used to that. 

The newcomer crouched down, looking through each screen in turn.  
"I can't see Ken anywhere. He should let us do a neck thingy-"  
"A… neck… thingy?"  
"Like… a thing. A thing that goes in your neck, and then the cameras follow you. Like... that's Lamia, she's normally in a box-" he pointed to the second screen showing Dirk. "But we're testing her and Icarus, so the cameras followed her there." He stood back with a proud smile on his face, like he had explained.  
"You're… saying a test subject is… a kitten?" Todd asked in disbelief.

"Well, I mean, now she's a kitten. But she isn't always-"  
Todd considered, and then realised - the girl he'd thought might be a were-lamp was clearly capable of a range of different forms.  
"Can you see Ken?" the man asked, and Todd groaned because he wanted to be left in peace to fret about Dirk.

"I don't know who Ken is," Todd told him. The man huffed and walked out, leaving Todd feeling slightly as though he had been hit in the head.

He carried on watching the cameras. Now that he was fairly sure that the kitten wasn't in imminent danger of dissection, he could enjoy watching the two of them. The kitten seemed to be climbing all over Dirk, and Dirk was letting her, laughing and talking to Michael. The difference from the previous day was obvious, but there were still two men with guns who were watching, and Dirk would glance up at them, trying to shelter the kitten with his body.

He tried to do some actual work, rather than just sitting watching Dirk play, because he had a job that he was being paid to do. He was making a note of something odd in the room of the man in a coma when the door opened.

"Hey Brotzy," Priest greeted him, and Todd turned towards him.  
"Hello..."  
"You really shouldn't mess around with the experiments. They might eat you."  
Todd shrugged slightly, knowing what was being referred to but playing innocent. It didn't work.  
"I saw you hug him."  
"It... he just looked tired yesterday. I wanted to support him, that's all."

"Whatever you say. Well, if I catch you and him messing around-"  
"I wouldn't," Todd muttered.  
"Okay, well, you better not. I'd hate to have to fire you."

Todd could feel the room spin slightly at that threat.  
"I..." he swallowed, gulping in air like a goldfish that had been pulled abruptly from its tank. "It won't happen again. Please."

"I'll be keeping an eye," the man said with a giggle, and then he turned and walked from the room, leaving Todd alone with his thoughts.

He knew he needed to be making notes. To prove he could do the job. But he was lost in his own brain, in the thought that he might have already messed up everything, that he could have thrown away the best thing that had happened to him over a pretty boy. He glared at the image of Icarus on the screen, trying to hate him for the mess he had caused.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now Big Bang is done, I'm hoping I can get this done!

He tried not to look at Icarus on the cameras, but it was good to see him smile, even if the other man was at risk of costing him his job. He really didn't want to lose it, because he knew this was the best chance he had to actually look after Amanda. Nothing else had worked out, but this had. They'd even sought him out. Even if the work meant he couldn't sleep, it was undemanding and paid better than the Perriman had ever been.

If Priest was looking for an excuse to get rid of him, he'd just have to ensure there was no reason for him to do so. Todd could be professional.

Cleaning the rooms that day was if anything even easier than the day before - they were already almost spotless. He just needed to change the sheets and wipe down surfaces. It was strange, but he could hardly complain that his job was easy.

He decided he needed to talk to Michael, so when he was finished with his shift he went back to the surveillance room. Michael was still in with Icarus and Lamia (who was currently a large teddy bear on Icarus's lap. Todd excused himself, heading to Icarus's room. He was meant to walk him back to his cell anyway, and while that was going to be simpler than the day before, what he really needed was the opportunity to talk to Michael about the entire situation.

He was meant to collect Icarus at six thirty, but it was almost seven by the time Michael exited the room, holding a tiny hamster cupped against his chest. Two guards followed close behind.

Michael smiled to see Todd.  
"Hey, you okay?"  
"Yeah... uh, can we talk?"  
"Sure, just come with me..." Michael led the group along to Lamia's room, and Todd unlocked the door as the other man's hands were full. Todd smiled slightly as he nuzzled his face into her fur.  
"You did well today Lamia, I think you broke your record for transformations. You can sleep now." With that, he opened a side of the glass box and placed her in. As soon as the door sealed a young woman appeared in the box, curled up in her jumpsuit, her arms wrapped around herself.

The guards resumed watching her, and Michael stepped away.  
"Thank you... sorry, she always does better when Icarus is there. The two of them grew up together, and he's the best at treating her tests like a game. So occasionally I ask to borrow him."  
"That's… good," Todd muttered, and Michael paused in the doorway, frowning at him.  
"You're having doubts about working here?"

"Not doubts, more that I'm not sure I'll be able to," he admitted with a sigh. "I think Priest wants me fired."  
"Oh, he wants everyone fired," Michael shrugged a little. "Don't worry about him, just don't let him get to you."  
"Thanks." Todd hesitated. "Look, he said he isn't sure about me fetching D-" he caught himself, coughing slightly to try and hide his mistake. "--About me fetching Icarus for testing. So I wondered-"  
"I'm happy to take him," Michael agreed. "Look, I get it. When I first came here I felt pretty overwhelmed too, but you get used to it. When do you get time off?"  
"I think..." Todd hesitated. "They said three weeks in every four."  
"So not that long until you can go off and... see your sister, I'm guessing?" Michael asked, a kind smile on his face. "From what I've read pararibulitis sounds terrible, but I suppose you know that." 

Todd frowned.  
"Look, Icarus still needs escorting, one of us-"  
Michael nodded and headed away. Todd considered going back to his room, just trying to block out all of this, but he would need to eat so he headed to the canteen. He hated how it reminded him of high school, where he had stayed alone and told himself it was because he was too cool to deal with the other kids, when really he'd just been unpopular.

He looked around to see if he could spot the man from earlier who had been annoyed he wasn't Ken, but there was no sign of him. Eventually he noticed the woman who had relieved him from staring at cameras yesterday, and made his way over to say hi.

***

Todd was surprised by how easy it was to fall into a routine, to pretend that this was normal. He mostly avoided Icarus, although occasionally they'd pass in the corridor, and each time he'd see a look in his eyes that he dreaded, a kind of helplessness that stung. He was advancing science and keeping the public safe, and all that bullshit, but what really mattered was that after three weeks he had $1500 and a week to visit his sister.

He signed the relevant non-disclosure agreements, borrowed a company car, and drove off towards Amanda's flat, glad to leave everything behind for a little while. He hesitated slightly as he parked, wondering if he should just be honest with her, but he couldn't. She'd hate him, and worse it would snatch away her hope of recovery. That was what kept her going, and he couldn't take it away. He took a deep breath, and approached her front door.

It opened before he could knock, and she stepped out, throwing her arms around him, her eyes shining with emotion.  
"Todd!" She rested her head against his shoulder, clinging to him for a moment before pulling back and looking him in the eye.  
"It's been so long."  
"I know," he admitted. "I just... I needed to get settled in at the new job before I could visit, I'm sorry."

She was pulling him into the house now, and sat down on a chair. He sat opposite her, watching her closely. Her room was neater than he was used to. He smiled slightly.  
"How've you been?"  
"I... better," she answered with a fragile smile, her eyes darting towards the kitchen. "Been... been mostly having microwave meals."  
He nodded in silent understanding. She'd struggle with the idea of boiling water splashing her, or cold turning her to ice, or knives stabbing her hands, or flames licking up her arms from the oven - a million different cruel tricks that her brain would play on her. He hated it, and she did too.

"That's good," he promised, reaching into his pocket and pulling out the cheque. "This is for you."  
"Are... are you serious?" she whispered, staring at it. "Todd, you can't afford this, I can't-"  
"My room is paid for and if I stay in the place I'm guarding I get free food."  
She laughed slightly.  
"My brother, the prison guard... I can't believe you-"  
"It's good money, and honestly the people are better than the hotel."

She laughed again, and her eyes were sparkling, and Todd pushed down every doubt he'd ever felt about his job. Because it meant that Amanda could afford better food, and the medication she needed, and he could go some way towards paying her back for his past fuckups. She grinned.  
"You're the best big brother ever, you know that?" she told him. He rolled his eyes but smiled.

"My doctor's been talking about a new treatment regime.” Amanda explained. “It'll be an extra five hundred a month, so I wasn't going to, but ... if you're sure you can afford this much... There've been some really positive results in Europe..." She was so full of energy now, almost an echo of the Amanda he'd known before she got sick. She got to her feet, heading to the desk, and searching through the papers.

He didn't see what caused it. Only one moment she was standing, and the next she was stumbling backwards, her eyes wide in horror.  
"No, no... no..." she was muttering to herself, visibly shaking, and he looked around the room.

He heard her fall to the floor, but he couldn't see her tablets. He shoved things off the desk, searching under cushions and blankets to no avail. He knew there'd be some in her room so he turned his back on her, racing across to her bedroom and to the bedside cabinet. He grabbed the pills and ran back to her side.

She was curled up, clutching at her arm and screaming, and he could see the faintest red line. A papercut on her hand, but that was clearly not what her brain thought had happened. He shook three pills out onto his hand, and then tried to grab her, so that he could get her to take the tablets.

She was fighting him, driven by sheer terror at whatever she saw.

He managed to get the pills into her mouth, and after a few moments she swallowed. He wrapped his arms around her as her struggles began to subside, running a hand over the affected arm to help her brain, to give her other sensory feedback to focus on.  
"You're safe. You're at home, I'm here. You're safe."

She nodded quietly, and he pulled away a little.  
"Do you want to go over to the sofa?"  
She shook her head, and he could see her eyes were full of tears. She looked shattered.  
"That's okay," he promised. "We can sit here."  
"How... how are your colleagues?" she asked after a few moments, when she had her breath back. Her voice sounded strange, and he knew it was from her screaming.

"Made some friends," Todd told her. He fished his phone from his pocket, pulling up a picture of Michael that he had taken a few days ago. Lamia, in her hamster form, had been perched on his shoulder. "This is Michael, and Lamia,"  
"You made friends with... a dork with a pet hamster?" Amanda asked with a tired smile. He nodded, trying to ignore the way she'd stopped to recover her breath part way through her question.  
"Anyone else?" she pushed, and he shrugged a little, trying to decide on his answer. He didn't want her knowing about Priest, and though there were a few others he was on nodding terms with generally he spent time alone. She looked so hopeful though, and he'd already lied so much.

He nodded slowly.  
"There's a guy called Dirk. He's English."  
She waggled her eyebrows, and he rolled his eyes, pushing her gently in the shoulder, and for a few precious moments everything was normal again.

***

Leaving Amanda had never been easy. Leaving Amanda to go back to working in a secret base, where he knew that people were suffering, that was harder. But he did it, because she needed new treatment, and this was a way he could ensure she got it. This was a way that he could look after her, when he had no other way.

He drove away regretting his past mistakes, and praying that the new treatment might help at least a little with her pain.

It was almost midnight by the time he was back on base, and after returning the car and signing necessary forms, he went to his bedroom to sleep.

He didn't let himself hear the subjects crying out in their sleep. He made his way to his room, and messaged Michael to say he was back. Lying in bed, he ended up flicking through the CCTV feeds of the projects on his phone. He knew he shouldn't do it, but it was easy sometimes, to look at them, to watch them. During the night they were often peaceful, and he almost smiled to see how Incubus slept bundled together. Golem's arm was still in a sling, but for once she wasn't having nightmares. Lamia had turned into a teddy bear to sleep. He flicked through 41 different screens, hesitating before the last one.

He didn't know why he cared about Icarus so much. They could never be friends, not with him in his job. But they'd shared names, and it was hard not to think of the man as Dirk, even though he fought that instinct, told himself he couldn't afford this. He clicked to see Icarus.

Icarus was lying in his bed like a body in a morgue, his eyes closed. There was a bruise on his face, and for a moment Todd stared, before reminding himself it was weird to watch people sleep without their knowledge - he'd heard that rant from Amanda a few years back when a book she'd been reading had pitched it as romantic. He had to choose - he could protect Amanda, or protect Dirk. And Amanda would always win. Not because he didn't care about him, but because he'd fucked up Amanda's life and owed it to her to make things better.

He checked his schedule, then messaged his sister to let her know he was back safe. She didn't reply, but it was pretty late, so it didn't worry him.

His alarm woke him, and he found Michael had sent him an email.  
_Hi Todd, sorry I have to take the day off. Not feeling well. M_  
He dashed off a reply.  
_I can bring food over later if you want?_ He stretched, went to shower, then pulled on his uniform.

If Michael couldn't work then he wouldn't be able to cover Icarus's transport, which was still technically Todd's job. He'd been helping Lamia get ready for testing instead, but since it was Michael who was researching her she might get a day off as well. 

He liked Lamia. She was strange enough that it was easier for him to justify what happened, but she was a sweet girl, odd but caring. She'd told him she liked Michael, because he didn't try and cut her up. Todd was glad about that - he didn't think he could be friends with someone who'd dissect someone else, especially not someone like Lamia.

He felt a little sick as he headed to Icarus's room. He hadn't seen him really since Priest had threatened him with firing if they were caught 'messing around'. Todd pushed open the door, and Dirk was stood waiting. He startled slightly, frowning.  
"You aren't the Lieutenant."  
"He's sick," Todd explained. "Sorry, you're stuck with me."  
"Until he's better?" Dirk asked, and Todd nodded smartly.

"What..." Dirk headed to the doorway, but paused for a moment, looking at him in confusion. "What did I do wrong?"  
Todd felt his heart twist a little at the broken question, at the thought of what his rejection had done to someone who had so little good in his life. He walked, knowing the way to the labs now.  
"You didn't do anything wrong Dirk. I just really don't want to risk losing this job."

"I... I don't want you to lose the job either," Dirk said, and Todd wanted to yell at him, to scream that it wasn't fair, only Dirk already knew that. Instead he smiled with false brightness.  
"I just need to be professional."  
"You can be professional with me," Dirk promised. "Look, I... I feel like you're important. Like we're meant to talk. But I can't... I don't know if it's a ... me being different thing, or just that I want to talk to you."  
Todd nodded.  
"I need this job Dirk. I'll come and collect you this evening, but I can't promise we can keep doing this." As he said it, he wasn't even sure what this was - whether it was him escorting him, or their conversations, or the friendship that Dirk seemed to be trying to create. Or perhaps that was unfair, he thought. He wasn't exactly discouraging it, even though he knew that he should.

"So what do you do when you aren't walking me around?"  
"I watch the cameras, clean rooms... nothing particularly challenging. Just grunt stuff."  
Dirk smiled a little at him.  
"It's alright. That means you aren't planning to cut me open and prod bits to work out how they work."  
"What?" Todd stared at him. "No, I don't... do that."  
"Because you're not a scientist," Dirk agreed, pausing. "Speaking of which, I know it's a lot to ask, but if you could bring some water when you collect me?"  
Todd nodded, knocking on the door to announce their arrival, and letting Dirk walk into his tests. He went to watch the cameras. Lamia was clearly bored, and seemed to be testing herself by turning into a lot of different plants. He made a note of it, and then at lunch time he grabbed food for Michael and made his way to his room. 

Michael did look rather pale, laying on his bed, but he sat up when he saw Todd and smiled brightly.  
"How was your sister?"  
"She's good. I think Lamia missed you today. She kept being a cactus."  
"Oh, I was showing her a few different plants the other day, she seems to like the succulent family, apparently it's a shape that feels secure for her." Michael took the food Todd held out, and ate.  
"Why do they keep testing Svlad?" Todd asked quietly. "I mean, he's been here for years-"  
"Because there's a lot of things that can be learned from him," Michael answered. "All the time they can gain more information, they're going to look for it."

Todd nodded, because he had no answer to give to that.  
"Priest said the stripes on their uniform are danger levels."  
"They are," Michael agreed.  
"What's the other colour?"  
"How useful they are. If they've been...weaponised." Michael picked his words carefully, his nose scrunching up slightly in distaste. "Projects that are fully integrated are allowed the uniform. Those that are used for specific tasks wear a black jumpsuit - like Marzanna or Golem. Lamia is light grey because she's willing to cooperate often but not very good at it, Icarus has dark grey because he isn't cooperative but his insights are useful. Incubus wears white because they will not help."

Todd nodded, thinking through the various greys of different projects.  
"The other day some guy came in, asked me why I wasn't Ken, and ranted about neck-things?"  
"Trans-dermal implants," Michael supplied. "And that would be Supervisor Friedkin. Technically, he's your boss."  
"He's-" Todd bit down an insult, reminding himself he needed this job. Michael just laughed and nodded.  
"Adams does anything harder than signing where he's told to, and I've seen him fake Friedkin's signature," Michael agreed, and Todd shrugged a little. He wasn't about to debate reasonable business practices.

He glanced at the poster above Michael’s bed, suddenly remembering where he knew it from.  
"X-files right?"  
Michael grinned, and started to talk about it, and Todd just relaxed and listened, before going to clean.

***

He met Dirk with a bottle of water, and he had to admit that he wasn't entirely dreading the thought of working with him again. Dirk was just fun to be around - he was full of an energy and positivity that almost everyone here was lacking, and he was always so pleased to see Todd. Todd had worked in a hotel where no one cared about him, and had lost all of his friends. Amanda was happy to see him, but he felt guilt whenever he saw her. Dirk caused no such guilt. Dirk just made him feel like Todd was improving his day just by being around, and that was a sensation he enjoyed.

They didn't talk about Dirk's tests, or Amanda's illness, and they never saw each other for that long. But Todd found he looked forward to collecting Dirk for testing, and then taking him home. He hated the days Dirk was injured, but tried not to think about that too much, reminding himself that Dirk wasn't as human as he looked. It was hard though, leaving him. Dirk never asked him not to do his job, and he was grateful for that. He didn't want to have to handle that particular strain of guilt.

He'd seen Amanda again before everything changed. He'd just got back from his sister's, and was still a little sunburned from the time they had spent in the garden. The new treatment wasn't having much of an affect, but she was staying positive. He checked his timetable, and saw that he was meant to take Dirk to one of the sub-basements. He knocked and opened the door, and Dirk grinned.  
"Hi Todd." He got to his feet, walking over and looking at him. "You're looking...well, slightly red actually."  
"Sunburn," Todd explained. "Sis and I got out into the garden."  
Dirk nodded, then frowned when they approached the elevator.  
"I don't suppose I could trouble you to see the schedule could I?" Dirk asked, and Todd held it out. He paled slightly and nodded.

"What's wrong?" Todd asked, even though he knew he shouldn't, realised that he wouldn't want to know.  
"Oh, it's Mister Priest. I got myself into a little trouble."  
"What did you do Dirk?" he hissed, pushing the button for the elevator.  
"Well, I… that is to say... well, perhaps it would be easiest-"  
"Dirk," Todd warned, and he coughed slightly.  
"Ah yes. Well, you see, Lamia was a little bit lonely, so she came for a visit, which I think is perfectly understandable, but unfortunately we were discovered and now we're being punished."

Todd reached out and squeezed his hand, wishing he could stop the elevator. Dirk flashed him a smile that was aiming for brave but was too scared to reach it. The door opened, and Todd led the way to another cell. He pushed open the door and found Priest was already there.  
"If you could take a seat by the door Brotzy, make sure he doesn't try an'go anywhere?"  
"I've got other work," Todd mumbled. If Dirk was about to be hurt, he didn't want to see it. Priest looked at him unsympathetically.  
"Sit."

Todd sat, watching the way Dirk seemed to curl up into a ball like a frightened pill bug. He didn't feel alright about any of this. It was one thing to know, as an academic exercise, that Dirk was being hurt. He could mute the screen and look away and remind himself that Dirk wasn't human. But watching him being hurt was something else entirely.

Priest paced closer to him, smiling down at him with a glint in his eye.  
"Did you really thing we weren't gonna notice when you freaks go wandering?"  
Dirk shrugged slightly.  
"I mean, you don't seem to notice a lot of what we do so-" Dirk fell silent when he was punched, his head snapping to the side. Todd cringed, wondering if he could get his phone from his pocket and ask Michael for help. He tried to stand up so that he could leave.  
"Sit," Priest said, without ever turning to face him, and Todd lowered himself down into the chair. Priest walked over to a table, returning with what looked like some lengths of cable in his hand. He threw them at Dirk, who cringed, picking them up reluctantly as though they were snakes. He looked down at the floor, staying still until Priest cleared his throat.

Todd frowned slightly.  
"Look, I should be going or-"  
"Oh, I got permission from the boss for you to be here," Priest answered, walking in front of Dirk and approaching Todd. "He thinks you and Icarus are a little too close, so he's decided to expand your duties slightly."  
"What?"  
"You're going to punish him for me," Priest explained, and there was a soft whimper from behind him. Priest's smirk widened, and he reached out to ruffle Todd's hair.  
"You ready Svlad?"  
"Y... yes Mister Priest..." Dirk answered, and his voice was trembling.

Todd felt like he was going to be sick, frozen in place. Every breath was a struggle, and he wanted to yell, to argue and swear, but he was too busy being terrified. 

Priest walked to Dirk, picking up the freshly braided cable and swinging it through the air, testing it on the back of his arm and smirking.  
"Top off Svlad," he ordered, and reluctantly Dirk's fingers moved to the snaps of his uniform. He glanced up at Priest, biting his lip, and Priest just raised an eyebrow in response. "Don't keep me waiting."  
Dirk fumbled them undone, carefully sliding the top of the jumpsuit down and knotting the arms around his waist, before reluctantly removing his tank top. Todd gasped slightly when he saw the scars that were under it.

Priest held the braided cable out towards Todd, and it took a moment for him to realise what was happening, what he was meant to do. Wordlessly, he shook his head.  
"It's what you're scheduled to be doing today Brotzy," Priest insisted.  
"I...I can't," Todd said softly, but he reached out for the whip, his fingers closing around it. He tried to remember how much he needed the job, how Amanda was counting on him. He made himself stand up, approaching Dirk.

This was clearly something that had happened before, and Dirk had survived that, so maybe this wouldn't destroy him. It was part of his job. A job that paid well, that meant Amanda was getting better. He raised the whip, seeing the way Dirk flinched.

The whip fell to the floor, and he wrapped an arm around Dirk's shoulders.  
"No. This... this isn't..." he started to explain, but Dirk was looking at him, seeming lost.  
"This is what you're scheduled to do today Brotzy."  
"I can't," Todd said, turning to him. "This is wrong, we can't... this isn't right. I can't do it."  
"It's your job," Priest answered, and there was a knowing smirk on his face. Dirk was saying something but Todd couldn't hear it. His tongue felt like it was swelling, like it was filling his mouth, and he tried to gasp air into his lungs.

Priest shoved his shoulder, throwing him back to the chair. He collapsed against it as Priest leaned over him. "It's your job."

"Then..." Todd tried to speak around the obstruction in his mouth. He was gasping frantically. "Then I quit."

Priest laughed.  
"Oh you see boy, you don't get to quit."  
"You said you'd fire me. I quit." Todd forced out the words. He couldn't do this. He had to do this.

Priest snorted at him.  
"Boy, you don't understand anythin' at all." He moved to pick up the whip, and Todd could hear Dirk screaming, but he couldn't open his eyes. Breathing was a struggle, every breath rattling through him, and he was gasping. He felt something hit his side, and realised he'd fallen to the floor. 

He felt someone shake him, and found Dirk looking down at him, still half-dressed. Dirk squeezed his hand, leaning in to whisper in his ear.  
"I'll tell Michael." With that, he was on his feet, Priest dragging him away. Todd tried to reach out, to call him back, to say something, but he was still finding it hard to breathe. He closed his eyes as the room faded around him.


End file.
